My mother, 'Mum', died a week ago tomorrow. I still can't really believe it, even after all of the activity of the week.

I can't write about my Mum too much right now - still way too hard!!!

I would however, like to touch upon a particular subject. Actually, I do believe I am in need of a reeeaaaallllly good venting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What NOT to say to a grieving family member!

I NEEDED to write this... but I don't want to offened anyone by it... so I'm blanking out my venting.. I know all meant well, even when what was said was far more upsetting than helpful.1. Do not speak as though you know the situation, when you don't. Don't say, 'well she lived a happy long life and at least she didn't suffer.' Mum was only 68... do you really think that's long? And 'she didn't suffer'??? I'll grant you, there are some poor souls out there who suffer far longer, but my poor Mum did suffer. And a 'happy life'... my Mum had a tough life. Yes, she did of course have some happy times - but her life was not easy! My mother did pray with my brother the day before she died and said "yeah" when asked if she'd like to trust Jesus. As a Christian, this of course makes me very happy!! However, if I had one more fellow/sister believer come and tell me that I should be rejoicing at her death, or something similarly unfeeling, I was going to hit someone!!!! People, it's my mother in that casket!!!! I'm glad she suffers no more and is in heaven with God, absolutely!!! But I'd rather have her hear, thank you! It is incredibly cold to say 'you should be rejoicing!', or 'I'm celebrating with you', or 'your mother's prayer and death were such a great encouragement to my prayer life' .... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????????? I understand what was meant.... I understand that it was some peoples way of trying to encourage me I guess... but she had only been dead a few days.3. 'Are you doing better?'..... Better?... Oh yes, it's been 5 days, I'm totally over it, thank you! "Every day you'll feel better and better." Ok., and you know this because of when you lost one of your parents? Oh, no?... Well then how the heck do you know??!!!! Again, people trying to be encouraging, but forgetting to use that lump in their heads before they speak.Ok - so it's hard to know what to say, right? I've been there - it is extremely hard!!!

Let me share a few things people said that were very comforting, or at least, appropriate.1. There's the old stand by that says it all "I'm so sorry for you loss". Tried and true, it works!! Falls under the KISS (keep it simple stupid).2. "I have no idea what to say, so I'll just say I'm so sorry." Says it all doesn't it? Honesty is the best policy.3. "I wish I could do something to make it better - but I know I can't, so can I just give you a hug?" Again, honest, heartfelt, as comforting as one can be.4. Offering help. The truth is, when someone is hurting, we like to try to fix it. But in situations like these, it can't be fixed. But to do something tangible, still makes us feel like we are showing our love and support. We have been INCREDIBLY BLESSED with wonderful friends who have expressed their love and support in beautiful and helpful ways

• Babysitting. Because of the help from some amazing ladies, I was able to be at the hospital the whole time with my Mum, right up until the end. Then these great ladies came back to watch the kids during the wake and funeral. It was such a blessing to know our kids were being taken care of by such loving, great ladies!!!!!
• Plants/Flowers: Friends have sent such lovely plants and flowers to brighten our home during this difficult time. They are lovely!!!
• Meals: It has been so nice to not have to think about preparing a meal for the family. We have been brought delicious dishes such as chicken, pasta, breakfast platters, deserts, etc... So very thoughtful!!
• Cards: Beautiful cards, some even home made, with simple - yet comforting wishes.Ok - I warned you this would be my time to vent. And it was.. and I feel a tiny bit better for having done it.

To those who may read this and say 'oh - I said that' - I'm not angry and don't want to make anyone feel bad, I am thankful that you wanted to be there for me - but please do think next time your are speaking to someone who is grieving. And to those who read this and think, I brought a dish, or a plant, etc.. I am so very grateful for your kindness!!!!!thanks for letting me vent!