Cry

Do you ever feel like you could just sit down and cry?

Nothing is wrong.  You're not sick.  You just feel your stomach in knots and a tightness in your throat from holding back tears that trying to work their way out.

I've been feeling like I'm spread thin and that I'm not giving 100% to anything.

Work is going well.  But I have my own way of doing things that isn't the same as others who had my job in the past.  They all did a fabulous job, but I'm not them and can only do things in the way that's right for me.  I ran into an issue a week ago and I had someone not connected with the situation call me yesterday and tell me that I just have to deal with it.  Frustrating and now I think a few folks aren't thrilled with me...  Hate to be disliked.   Bluck!

I've been cleaning out old toys and baby/toddler gear.  It makes me so sad.  I LOVE my boys!!! I just always thought I'd have three kids, I feel like there's a piece of the puzzle missing.  But my feelings are just wrong.  It wasn't God's plan for us to have three so I need to count my blessings and move on and accept my little men are getting older - that's how it goes.

I'm working, and yet money is still always so tight.  I'm sick of having to squeeze a dollar till it squeaks.  I'm tired of having to plan things down to the last dollar.  I'm sick of having to buy crap food because the fresh produce costs so much more.  I hate that I can't get my kids what they really want for Christmas (although, we are so vastly blessed and they are getting plenty).  I've never had aspirations of being rich, but just being able to pay my bills without concern and not having to wear sock with holes in them would be great.

I miss my mum!  I could tell her how I felt and she'd call me her 'little love' and she'd say 'come here my little babe and let mum love you' - yes, even at 40 that's what she'd say to me and then give me a big hug and let me rest my head on her shoulder for a bit.  She was the one person in the world who was in my corner no matter what!  My husband is awesome, but it's not the same.  It gets me too that I'll never have a mother-daughter relationship again.  I miss her desperately..

I feel like there are a lot of people who don't like me. Boo hoo, I know.  But it hurts my wittwle feewing.

Oh, and fat??!!  I'm sure I've gained back all that I lost a year and a half ago. I haven't been brave enough to get on the scale, but all of my clothes are tight, or just don't fit and I feel yuck.  Why do I keep yo-yoing?  Why can't I make a life change for good?

I don't think anyone reads this blog any way so I'm venting. 
Sending my rants into the great big void in hopes that it will be cathardic and I'll feel better when I'm done.

Just feel like I wanna cry.
But this too shall pass.