Now & Then

Last year at this time I had chosen a key word for myself for 2008. That word was "Simplify".

I was somewhat successful at this, but not the screaming success that I was hoping for. I discontinued my Hostess Club which relieved a lot of stress and follow-ups. I cut down to one blog, there's barely time to do one. And I have tried in an ongoing attempt to not put so much pressure on myself. This is a work in progress...

But not long after the year started, my mother became ill and died after being diagnosed with cancer for only 5 1/2 weeks. This as I'm sure you can imagine, made my plans and goals seem very unimportant.

The remainder of the year I can give you dates and occurrences, but really, the year for me can be summed up by simply saying "2008 is when I lost one of my best friends, the woman who would still call me 'baby', and the person who loved me so unconditionally." I've spent the rest of year keeping my head up, doing for my boys and husband and fulfilling obligations.

It's been a year of keeping my mouth shut when people have said things in an attempt to be.....'helpful'. A year of smiling and nodding. A year of waiting until everyone is in bed fast asleep before I can cry whole hearted in silent sobs.

But also, a year of appreciating just how blessed I had been!!! A year remembering my mother's kindness and compassion, affection and devotion, silliness and daffiness (I say with respect). So many live their lives at odds with their mothers. I was blessed to really love my mother - not just in retrospect, but while I had her!!

It's been a year of recognizing how good our God is! It's when we are at our lowest, that we can feel just how tangible Jesus is. When no one's words or hugs can really reach us, His peace and grace penetrate and touch deeper than someone 'with skin on' sitting right next to you.

For those who have asked/hinted/wondered... No, I am not depressed or in seclusion. If you have been concerned of this, it is simply because you do not see me enough to know that I have been going out, laughing and continuing on with life as one does. Although happiness was extinguished for some time, my joy never was (thanks be to God).

The loss will never go away, I think that's when I would worry. But I take my mother with me every day of my life. I get a chuckle when I do something stupid (as I do so often) and think how my mum would have loved to have heard about that. I get happy and sad at the same time when I fix a dish of hers that came out close enough to know it was her recipe. I remember learning to make those dishes with her. She will always be with me!!!!!!

Looking ahead to 2009, I considered many words that I thought should be my theme for the year. The word with which I have settled on is: "Order".

I want order in my life. I don't want to feel the strain of the 'captivity of activity'.

I will have order on my calendar so that I not only do what I must, but what I want to. I will schedule in family time, date nights with my husband and time with friends, and if someone calls with a task - we'll say "sorry, that day is booked" - no apologize and no guilt!

I will have order in my home. We have to be the record holders for 'piles'. Piles of school papers, mail, books, toys....ahhhh... We will apply the motto 'don't put it down, put it away'.

I will have order in my faith. I will create a 'devotions basket' complete with Bible, journal, note cards, pens, stamps, highlighters, sticky notes... I will schedule a time every day with the Lord. I will be a Christian with inertia (an object in motion stays in motion), and not grow weary on my journey with the Lord but cherish each step, and I pray, never take the gift of His grace for granted!

I will have order in regards to my well being. I will journal what I eat (even when I don't want to admit what I have eaten) so that I can keep track. Too easy to just take a bite of this and that - the journal will keep me accountable to myself. I will take my vitamins. I will take care of myself. No promises that I'll drop 5 clothing sizes - but I will take back control of my well being.

This is my goal for the year (keeping in mind I'm all too aware that life can throw us curve balls at any time). With God's help, I wont be chasing after my life, but live it the best way I can for His glory!!