There Is a Season

I have been contemplating this post for days.

Had many great ideas - I have (as always) so much to say!

But tales of my weekend at WOF will have to wait...

To be honest, I am just having a really hard few days.

I came home from the retreat to a family anxiously awaiting my return. I was greeted by one child bounding out the door and the other plastered in the window watching me walk up the drive. My husband at the top of the stairs with a smile and dinner. It doesn't get much better than that, does it?!!

After a little dinner, my husband filled me in on the weekend's events. He then handed me some cards that a few friends had mailed to me and one given to him at my sister's cookout from a family member.
I opened the cards, amazed at how some of my friends are so good at remembering birthdays!! But then the last card.. The one that should have made me happy as it had money in it! ;) Instead sent me into a fit of tears. It was a card from my father. It was a pretty card with a purple iris on the front. Inside, it was signed "Happy Birthday - Love Dad"
"Love Dad".. in his writing. My first birthday card not signed "Love Mum & Dad"

This has left me in a valley for days. But then this morning, I got the call. "Hi Honey. Happy Birthday".. It was my Dad. He has never called on my birthday. The call I've received since moving out of my parents has been "Hello my angel! Happy Birthday my little love!" - always the same. Always those 8 words beginning the call.

It only seemed obvious that what would have been my parent's 50th anniversary, Mother's Day and my mother's birthday would be hard. But why is it that my birthday has been the hardest time for me since my Mum has died? I can hardly speak of it for fear of bursting into tears!

I had no idea that this would be such a difficult time!! I have so many obligations coming up - and I had been fearful to take them on months ago - but then thought I'd have to be in much better shape by now. I should have trusted my gut on this!!
I'm always so afraid of what others think of me. 'Will people think I'm crazy or pathetic for still grieving so much?'
I guess one good thing about ageing is that people tell me once you hit 40 (I have a few more years yet) you really begin to not care what other's think. Boy, I'll enjoy that.

So hear I am, trying to keep my chin up. Going along with the daily routines and trying to get some special activities in with the boys. Trying to keep up with my house hold chores. etc....

The Bible says that to every season there is a purpose under heaven (Eccl. 3:1). I think I have tried so desperately to suppress this season of grief. I don't think my mind/emotions, whatever you want to call it, will let me suppress it any longer. I need to get through the next few weeks and then take some time for myself. Not something I'm comfortable with. However, I think it's very necessary.

Sorry to have such a sad post yet again!!
Hopefully my season to weep and mourn will turn into a season of laughter (Eccl. 3: 4) and dancing soon!
I'll post about the retreat soon!